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This isn't how it was supposed to be. Hardly the way I envisioned it. Im not who I thought I'd be by now, Im still who I am yesterday, And the closest yesterday was 2 years go. I was meant to belong somewhere. I was meant to be someone. I was meant to live somehow. I wasn't suppose to hurt this bad. 'Nothing' shouldn't hurt this much. - Yours Truly
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Caught beneath the landslide. [tic toc] This is the third time Im writing this entry. I've written a lot and then gone back and deleted it all. [tic toc] None of it makes sense, my situation, my life...my words. [tic, tic, tic] When you have nothing, [ring!] Rewind. Let me sleep. - Yours Truly
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In a year where little to nothing went my way, I guess there only is one thing I can honestly give thanks for and that would be her. Does that mean I'm thankful for everything? Thats what she is to me. Thank you. My recently drycleaned hoodie smells like first grade. I know what I'll be sleeping cuddled up against tonight...simplicity...or a reminder of what it was. - Yours Truly
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Before things get better, they have to get worse...
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They say that a simple 6 inches of water can sweep you off your feet (perhaps she amounts to more than that), they say that one can't live without water for more than 3 days (that seems to be the case).
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and the moment is gone.
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Its cold out tonight, out here in cyberspace. It allows time (and space) to think. Mother left on Thursday. . . For good. Timezones and language barriers away, all I can hope is that they treat her right. Stuck here with my 'dad'...so much for the life I always dreamed of. The simplest things can bring one joy, I've discovered that (even thought I don't believe in such thing as a 'higher power') the universe has a way of keeping things balanced, no matter for how short a period of time, it works. Call it karma if you must, call it anything if its comforting. I don't know why I do this. Nothing of substance. Nothing at all. Just time. Its all I really have anymore. I forgot what its like to waste it, to lose track of it. To have anything besides it. Theres a certain irony to paint my words with. My time is running out. Come next week I'll be 19. 19 candles to blow out. (19 ways to forget) 19 years of experience. (19 years of nothing) 19 years of me. 1 year shy of two decades (of all of the above). I guess I should befirend a pillow sometime soon, if not, maybe it cna help me make sense of something, anything. (Preferably myself). Goodnight. - Yours Truly
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Or so I hope. That silly animated movie that we all shrugged off as kids, falls a bit heavier on my shoulders now. (Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas any more) Thank you, for everything. - Yours Truly
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So much can fit in a box. When you're a kid, its everything to you, anything you want it to be. That world of your own. Not anymore. What I'd give to go back. Now its just old cardboard filled with memories and nostalgia. (All that duct tape couldn't hold everything in) Whatever happened along the way? When did they stop loving eachother? I found some cards (in a box), they were in love at some point, there was love between all of us at some point. When did we fade? When did all of us fall apart? When did I let myself grow up? I promised myself I wouldn't allow that. What now? ...Now that everything has fallen apart? This isn't even all thats going through my head right now. Not even the beginning. All of that fits into a box... ...All of that and more. (...Im gonna need some more duct tape) - Yours Truly
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Im still not happy. At least not the way I was supposed to be.
- Yours Truly
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I find myelf clawing at the back of this clock trying to find a nook, a cranny, something I can grasp onto to peel off the back and destroy the battery. Maybe that way I cna make stop, not for me...for her. (maybe for me as well?). This is it. The culmination of 13 years of companionship, it ends sooner than I would've hoped. This is a decision I feel should never have to be made, but it has, I had to...at least for her sake. It's hard not to be selfish. Things change so rapidly...Im almost scared to blink, afraid of missing out on segments of my life I'll never get back. What I do get back? My friends. A handful of them are home for the summer. It makes me feel more alive (it should, since it's been a while since I truly lived). I don't know what to say anymore, not just now...but ever. I wear my heart on my sleeve (unwillingly), like a shiny ornament dangling from a Christmas tree. But the dilemma lies in, who is going to break it? Good night, - Yours truly
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There's no middle ground with me, I felt like I was house arrest all last week, and this past weekend was an overdose of life. Im suffering the consequences as we speak. So, Im confused. Very confused. Where am I headed? When? Just all those questions one asks themselves spread out pre-grad. Well, Im asking them NOW, all at once. I need change and a healthy dose of it, sure- things have 'changed' but its not exactly a proper change or anything. Oh, the complications. Onto other mixed feelings, perhaps more skin-deep, I dont know how I feel physically. If I didn't know better I'd say Im going through menopause, hot flashes every once in a while, for a guy- at the age of 18. Not healthy. My dogs are going crazy. I think I am too. So, this hasn't been the most cohesive entry. Its like I dipped a paintbrush into my thoughts and just splattered it across the page, bits of random things on my mind came out. oh, well. I guess thats me right now. I don't think I like that...
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It seems as if I'm only sleepy when i don't have access to Apparently I've been absent from El Jay for a while, but thats because I don't have very many highlights to document in this thing, my life is flatlining in lime green with a constant beep to remind me that its gone. Thats the truth, yet has a hint of a lie. Aaron is back for a while, went to the International Fair, we have an old family friend staying over with us until tomorrow, went to a college event thing today, I've seen Amy...and will do so again tomorrow over coffee and then there's some things lined up after that. I wanna get out of here already, and with each day that yearning increases a tad bit more. I know now what she means when she says that she feels this isnt the way its meant to be...and it isn't...for either of us. I think Im gonna be off to bed now, tomorrow is gonna be quite the handful, and sleep (should my life allow it) would seem like a good workout to prepare me for the real deal... P.S. I think I might need to lay off the ellipses... ...on second though...these are, in fact...my thoughts.
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My room smells like our storage room...I wonder why that is? Every time I walk into it now it smells and seems to vacant...and so...unlived in. I guess I need to cozy it up a little more. I'd give it a mkeover if only I knew for sure how long I'd be living in this house, I hate uncertainty...especially when it comes to life decisions. My book arrived from Amazon, finally! Well..sort of, we got a letter in the mail saying we have to go pick it up at the post office (which i didn't even know EXISTED in my neighbourhood 'till a few years ago) because the postal service here is JUST that efficient! Valentines Day yesterday was lonely, perhaps the loneliest yet. Not a rose, a hug, a kiss...anything. I didn't even leave the house. I'm becoming a hermit. Im going out tonight...which would really be the first time I step out of my house since probably...Monday? Wow, thats unhealthy. I need to start going on walks or doing something. Anyway my chain of thoughts has digressed...back to Valentine's day. Even though it was lonelier than ever...it didnt feel so bad, I've either gotten accustomed to loneliness, or Im not phased by Holidays as much anymore. Speaking of which- I finally took ym X-mas tree down yesterday, Im a lazy one- I know. but as I took it down, I couldn't help but thinking it might be the last time I get to take that embarassing little tree down. Life is changing, slowly...but hopefully it'll pick up the pace soon and things cna get rolling. I miss her. There's nothing I can do about it, its like when you're holding your breath for as long as you can, in those last few seconds before you breathe again you're struggling to keep it in, but wanting air all at once, Im done holding my breath, I wanna breathe again. I miss her more now than i did before...I guess its because I saw her in December...I mean, how could I midd her if she didn't go away? And now she has...and I miss her again. Anyway, my train of thoughts has come to its last stop for tonight, all passengers please exit the wagons, we hope to see you again soon and hope you have enjoyed our service. please leave any suggestions in the suggestion box for us to improve...or just drop a line in my comments.
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Its funny how one person can make that much of a difference, I was that one person today. I made it awkward, had she been another extra person- it would've all been fine. I hate feeling out of place, I mena- I've never really belonged, but its hard to find yourself in a situation you can't slide out of where you're forced to stick out like a sore thumb, or perhaps even a black eye. I don't really know. Tonights experience wasn't fun at all. So much for plans, huh? Sometimes I just feel like I wanan give up on this, I mean, I wasn't happy being the way I was before; anti-social, but I was who I was and it didn't bother me. The more social I become, the more aware I am of WHO I am...and who I can't be. Sadly, its who I can't be thats really got me down. I've never been the type to have a museum of friends- only a handful, and a handful has always been enough. But right now, I don't physically have any here with me...and it kills me. I don't want the acquantaince every so often, I want the one who'se shoulder is always available for my pointless tears, who'se willing to listen to me rant about what I love, and mostly what I hate, someone who will allow themselves to be the one I love, and thus be the one I hate for allowing me to do so. I need a real friend...one thats here with me...right now. I guess...I just need...her? I miss her. I hate feeling the way I do, I hate the fact that Im still living at home...living a life I don't really want, one that isn't right for me. i hate it that I can't go for a walk right now at 2:00a.m. because Im so sheltered and inexperienced. Soon Valentine's Day will stroll around...I guess I wont have anybody to share it with...and its been a long time since that has happened...I mean...not even a friend...not even... (On another note...Anna Nicole Smith- may she R.I.P.)
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Somehow I always end up being brought up in foreign fights and problems, Im the one to reffer to once failure is brought up and I can't stand it. Im so sick of the constant drama in this household- its like we feed off it, well Im done with it- Im ready to starve to death. "See, the thing is we're doing this because we love you" - Sadly that wasn't referring to me, it was alluding to me- but not about me. Its increasingly obvious that Im the black sheep, I wouldn't have such a problem with it if it weren't slapped across my face every time someone has a problem. Im ready to shave this coat off, ready to shed this skin Im living in so uncomfortably tight and ready to find a new one, one that fits and doesn't suffocate me. I need a new life, but as fate would have it, Im on the waiting list. I need to surface again, Im drowning but these waters are too familiar to allow myself to do so, I need to surface, I need to breathe...I need to do so for the first fucking time. I.CAN'T.STAND.IT Im not your poster boy for all thats gone wrong in this family, don't reffer to me as if I was, and at the risk of sounding dangerously like an angst-ridden teen- I'm merely a victim, a side-effect...you're all so ignorant you refuse to look for the symptoms or the cause. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. *breathe* I need my heart-rate to stop, pulse to slow down and...worst of all is I still don't know exactly what it is I need.
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My wisdom tooth is coming out...(yep, just one) it really hurts, and not just my gum but now I feel my jaw hurting a bit. Not good. Wisdom tooth? Hah, guess im supposed to be prepared for wisdom? Took the dogs for a walk today, saw a car crash- actually witnessed it. It was weird- first one I ever saw. Three car pile-up...the kid in the car at the back passed out (shock, I assume?). if I believed in God as much as I believe in 'American Beauty' I guess for a split-second He'd be watching. Im sore from going to the gym yesterday- pumping iron. Hah I cant get enough of that phrase...or the irony of a skinny fucker like me saying it. Today is Thursday, which can only mean going out on the town, I hope tonight is fun...Im getting bored of it, same thing every Thursday, same music, same routine. I guess I've fallen back in a rut, which is odd, because without any sort of structure to my life I still managed to fall into a rut. It sucks. I want out. My sister is probably re-starting college soon, my parents have yet to give a second though about what I'm gonna do (because they still haven't given me a FIRST thought). You'd think after the post- High School failure of one child, they'd be prepared to send off the second one in a heartbeat, right? Guess for their sake they shouldn'tve had the second one- might've been easier? Why do I say this? Lets just say somewhere in the course of last week i found out my dad has 'given up on me' dunno exactly what it means...but it still hurts...even if I despise the man. I saw 'The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou' again today...for the 3rd time and counting. I really DO love that movie! So it's Feb. 1st. Managed to update this thing for a month now- even though nothing has really happened...my life is a bore. In two weeks its Valentine's Day. Hip-hip-hooray. Notice the slight hint of sarcasm drenching my words. She just called me...one of our songs (of the millions in the world we shared) were on, hah, I love her cute little random phone calls...almost as much as I love her. - Yours Truly
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Im sick...and tired, and sick and tired of being that way. All these days seem to blend into one, nothing stands out enough to be able to set them apart, nights are merely naps in between- and awful ones at that. My body clock has decided 6:00 am is the new 9.00 am, its not so peachy. I cooked myself something with random things I found in the kitchen...it was quite fulfilling but Im not loving the after-effects, something went seriously wrong in the process- thats for sure. The past few days of boredom have left me no choice but to try and please myself with new (or no-so new) music, Im quite enjoying it, really. Other than that, these are pretty much the days they give you in Cancun. Speaking of which, I'd love to be back there, sweaty sausages and elderly women aside...in retrospect it was fun- everyone was a friend back then, now everyone is scattered across the globe. I miss High School..I really do. And I beat myself up every day for not having taken advantage of it whilst it still lasted, but I guess you never know what you had 'till its gone? Then maybe I'd rather never know what I have? *Note to self: Never experiment in the kitchen when it comes to cooking meat*
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A date that will forever be engraved in my mind. Im not gonna sit here and pretend we were best friends...we weren't. But what he was to me was one of the few people who truly touched me in all my 18 years...(then...16 years). He apologized for foreign whispers that never came from his own mouth, he gave up his time for me when he rarely knew me (I never managed to say 'thank you')...and his last words to me...were the irony to it all. "Are you ok?" I can only hope that right now, wherever he is...if I were to ask him that question back...he'd say yes. R.I.P. Diego ...Thank you.
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A midnight entry...I can't sleep...or don't really want to. I've become somewhat of a nocturnal creature and I don't really enjoy it, my daily activities...or lack thereof, are experiencing the consequences of lack of sleep. Whats next? Hallucinations? You never know, they could bring on some much needed entertainment to my uneventful life. I get frustrated more and more each day, I just waste the days away doing nothing...I wish I knew what I wanted to [realistically] do with my life, and I really wish that once I decided what it is I want, I'd be able to actually go through with it [financially]. Do I need a new dream? *le sigh* Things are weird right now, I dunno...in general, if only I were a girl right now I could blame it on raging hormones, but I seriously don't know what it is. I almost cried watching a show today...I dont think I've ever felt such compassion and admiration to a character as I did with the one I saw, she actually moved me. It was beautiful. I want to move people. And then theres the complete polar opposite, which was an extensive online conversation with my hawtie which couldn't have been more amusing. I swear we've been pumped up with some sort of hysteric steroid that makes us either really funny, or dumb enough to find the other one funny. We're the best of songwriters together, trust me, it'll be big one day...the size of a tipped cow. I guess sleep beckons, and who am I to deny it? So I guess, for now...I leave you with 'Goodnight'...
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melancholy
contemplative
blah
discontent
drained
confused
tired
aggravated
okay
numb